Week 10: Dirty Fajitas 6-8 Pukka Pies (Friendly)

We went 6-2 up and things seemed so easy. Oweners got all 6. I said, quite loudly, "Marc, I'll get you a pint when you get 10".

Then they scored six - whoops.

Ken played a fucking blinder.

Goal count:

Oweners: 25

Tiers: 9

Whitters: 8

Kingy: 8

Ashers: 4

Moraners: 3

Owers: 3

Taggers: 2

Marrers: 2
Northers: 1

Week 9: Fishy Fajitas 2-6 Multiple Scoregasms

I'll be completely honest, I can't remember much and I can't be arsed anyway.

Goal count:

Oweners: 19

Tiers: 9

Whitters: 8Kingy: 8

Ashers: 4

Moraners: 3

Owers: 3

Taggers: 2

Marrers: 2
Northers: 1

Man of the match: Oweners. Ashers said so.

Person of the match count:

Oweners: 3

Fitty: 2

Taggers: 2

Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2

Marrers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Owers: 1

Moraners: 1

Week 9: Dirty Fajitas 5-1 Derby UDE Squad

This was a match where Moraners got 2 barn stormers and Owers managed to nip inside and neatly tuck a shot into the bottom left corner.

Is this a reflection of how shit the opposition are or how far we've come?

YOU decide.

Goal count:

Oweners: 19

Tiers: 9
Kingy: 8

Ashers: 4
Whitters: 6

Moraners: 3

Owers: 3

Taggers: 2

Marrers: 2
Northers: 1

 

Man of the match: Moraners. A vital contribution and a huge shaft.

 

Person of the match count:

Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2

Taggers: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2

Marrers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Owers: 1

Moraners: 1

Week 8: Dirty Fajitas 3-2 The Originals

Over a month after being soundly beaten by The Originals away, Dirty were bristling with intent when the fat masters returned to the Willows in March 2011. The electricity which filled the Spring air wavered briefly when some fat prick tore up the script almost immediately, cleverly putting the Originals ahead after just a few seconds, but once ahead, the heffers quickly opted to sit back. Big mistake.


Dirty pummelled their bloated visitors, with Taggers calling the tune on his March Wembley debut. The summer arrival from Birmingham cleverly set up Tiers for an effort which the Original keeper did well to block, and then had a shag disallowed after he deflected Marrer's lustful glance from an offside position.



The crowd could sense that the Originals were on the ropes, and a growing buzz peaked into a thunderous roar when Tiers blasted Dirty level seven minutes before half-time. Taggers crossed from the left, and the England striker blasted through, past the keeper and between a host of backtracking Originals defenders. Back on level terms with the mighty MSB, a mental hurdle had been cleared.


After the interval the Dirty boys continued to call the tune, but without forcing as many chances. The rattled visitors upped their robust approach, with MSB a serial offender, but the gameplan backfired when he almost earned two yellow cards and an early bath.


It wasn’t long before Dirty took full advantage. Only four minutes later, no-one flicked a half-cleared corner back into the danger area. Oweners collected the ball, shielded away some hilarious attempts to clear, rounded on the ball and slotted into the delightful net. The roar that greeted Tiers’s goal suddenly seemed like a timid yelp in comparison to the baying din that now gripped Wembley.


Whereas the Originals sought to protect their advantage in the game’s infancy, Dirty aimed to take full advantage of having a stranglehold on the scoreline, and wrapped up the victory late in the second half through a stunning goal from Marrers.


Again Ashers was involved, sliding an inch-perfect pass infield from the left touchline. Marrers raced onto it and drilled a fierce shot into the keepers' far bottom corner.


Although some flabby shit pulled an injury-time goal back with a stunningly simple goal, Dirty held on to notch the victory that showed they could hold their own at Europe’s top table.

Goal count:

Oweners: 15
Kingy: 8
Tiers: 7
Whitters: 4

Taggers: 2

Owers: 2

Ashers: 2
Marrers: 2
Moraners: 1
Northers: 1

Man of the match: Marrers. Kingy said it. I can film him saying it if anyone dares doubt this.

Person of the match count:

Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2

Taggers: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2

Marrers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Week 7: Fishy Fajitas 3-3 FC Journos

As Marrers left his RA Palace this past Wednesday, there was a rumour that a random Fajita would be placed in front of the GAC firing squad to pay the ultimate price for defeat. It wasn't Crystal clear, however - and Admiral Marrers refused to give a Churchill-like insurance in his post-match interview.

FC Journos emerged from the local McDonalds just in time for kick-off and there could be no denying that the Fajitas were relishing the tie; the boys were hoping to cut the mustard this time round.

When Owers got tackled by the wall early on, however, the Selhurst rifles braced themselves for duty. Journos decided to employ the tried-and-tested foul the fuck out of the opposition tactic again, and Marrers was seen to thank the Lord Freedman Christ that Whitters had made way at the last minute for the Fajitas' top scorer Oweners.

It must be said that without Oweners, we would be burying a Fajita right now.

Goal count:

Oweners: 12
Kingy: 8
Tiers: 6
Whitters: 4

Taggers: 2

Owers: 2

Ashers: 2
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Northers: 1

Man of the match: Taggers, as chosen by current Talent Scout Kingy - never stopped running and bagged a fine equaliser.

Person of the match count:


Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2

Taggers: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Marrers: 1

Week 6: Dirty Fajitas 1-4 Bayern Neverlosin

This is what happens when you forget to play football against one of the worst teams you could ever wish to face.

Goal count:

Oweners: 10
Kingy: 8
Tiers: 6
Whitters: 4
Owers: 2
Ashers: 2
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Taggers: 1
Northers: 1


Man of the match: Marrers. Because I fucking feel like it.


Person of the match count:


Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Taggers: 1
Marrers: 1

Week 3: Fishy Fajitas 1-4 Red Stripe Belgrade

The evidence is mounting for the alleged conspiracy against the Fajitas; not only were they forced to play two consecutive games this Wednesday (and on numerous forthcoming occasions), they also had to contend with playing against a team fielding at least two ringers from the Premier League. It really does seem that there is some higher power out there who is willing to pull any stunt to try to halt the March of the Fajitas.


Fishy did not help their cause however, firstly with a shocking performance from Marrers in goal (the second goal in particular was cringe-worthy) and secondly their contribution to this year's Danny Baker Christmas DVD; making two substitutions at the exact same time, with Red Stripe on the attack. Needless to say, they scored with ease.


Even the introduction of the fresh-legged Matters could not facilitate a more realistic scoreline for the Fajitas however; once again the opposing 'keeper had a match-winning performance. Eventually Tiers pulled one back with a delightful low drive, but for now finishing remains Marrers' merry men's biggest headache.


Goal count:


Kingy: 5
Tiers: 5
Whitters: 2
Oweners: 2
Owers: 2
Ashers: 1
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Taggers: 1
Northers: 1


Man of the match: Tiers. A goal and a truly passionate performance. Plus, he bought Marrers a pint later. But that has nothing to do with it.

Person of the Match count:

Fitty: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Oweners: 1
Roof Ant: 1
Taggers: 1 

Week 2: Dirty Fajitas 3-4 Public Services Group X

Whats That? You're a Moany Scouse Bitch? - by Taggers. Corrected (in theory) by Marrers ;)

Well it all seemed we were destined to fail without our star player/team coach, Alex the “Marrers” Marriott; for the first half it seemed that this was going to be true for the Fajitas as we went 1-0 down in the first ten minutes. It is widely reported that Matters was at fault for this goal. He is a fucking cocktease. This didn't seem to affect Moraner's game as he was as enthusiastic as ever, chasing down every ball and clattering everyone in sight. It looked like the Fajitas had a way back into the game when one of the Public Servicemen put a foot into the box. Oweners then stood up to partake in what would obviously be the most important moment of his footballing career to date. The pressure was obviously getting to him as he hit it a foot high and it rebounded back into open play. (I blame the fitties who were on the balcony, obviously only there to put the Fajitas off their game). The game carried on with Whitters making some fine saves to keep the Fajitas in the game and Oweners having a few decent shots to try and make up for his earlier blatant match fixing penalty miss. Again, the fitties had agreed to let him cop a feel if he sabotaged the game.

Just when the Fajitas looked like they were getting back into the game: BANG, the services went 2 up. This gave Tiers and Matters much displeasure as they showed with a heavy use of profanities.

Time for a change: Twinkle toes Billers on for Oweners and Martyn on for Tiers. This seemed to instigate a revival in the Fajita camp as Moraners was allowed loads of time and space to slot home from just outside the box. COME ON 2-1, Lets Fookin 'Ave it.

2-1 at half time and Dirty obviously felt they could go on and win it. The lads were up for it. Including the roof ant's nearest rival (Moraners) whom immediately engaged in a bit of GBH. Hopefully it was the moany scouse bitch who was the victim as no one would have cared. After all the prior allegations of match fixing, Oweners had redeemed himself to bring it back to 2 a piece. Fajitas went from strength to strength as Whitters hit what looked like a screamer to put Dirty in front. Although it could've easily been a tap in as I have slept since then and I'm finding it hard to remember. Whitters was obviously riled up by now as the ref found out a few minutes later when he was taken out, ending up on the floor weeping . Yet again the moany scouser was at his old tricks although most of his anger was probably coming from Mr Lisham who was taking any chance he got to wind the the little twurp up. Angrily the moany scouse knob-head twat-face had the last laugh as he snook in to score two late goals to put a dent to the Fajitas title chances. All in all a good game of five a side and the Fajitas live on to fight another day.


Goal count:

Kingy: 5

Tiers: 4

Whitters: 2

Oweners: 2

Owers: 2

Ashers: 1

Marrers: 1

Moraners: 1

Taggers: 1

Northers: 1

Women of the match: The two fitties who took mine and Billers's attentions for most of the game.

Person of the Match count:

Fitty: 2

Kingy: 1

Ashers: 1 

Whitters: 1

Tiers: 1

Oweners: 1

Roof Ant: 1

Week 2: Fishy Fajitas 3-4 FC Journos

A team with large people in and one guy who liked to foul but cried when he stubbed his toe. Tiers called him a pussy. The Fajitas laughed. They later got angry with each other as inexplicably they pushed for more goals, despite being 2-1 up at half time, leaving the defence helpless. Surely the easy ball would have been the better option. With the added fact that their keeper was possibly the worst the Fajitas could ever wish to face, this was a very embarrassing defeat indeed. Oh, also - Kingy gave away a penalty. One for the statisticians.

Kingy: 5

Tiers: 4

Owers: 2

Ashers: 1

Marrers: 1

Whitters: 1

Taggers: 1

Oweners: 1

Northers: 1

Man of the Match: There was an ant in the roof somewhere that played better than the whole team combined.

Man of the Match count:

Kingy: 1

Ashers: 1 

Whitters: 1

Tiers: 1

Oweners: 1

Roof Ant: 1

Week 1: Dirty Fajitas 1-2 Bayern Neverlosin

Not only did yesterday's league opener bring about a shock defeat for the mighty Fajitas, it brought to light not one, but TWO headlines.


Firstly, it has become clear that Neil Ruddock, despite reports to suggest otherwise, has a third child and he plays five-a-side football in Derby. Ruddock junior certainly displayed all the athleticism and fouling ability of his father (the ref almost had to abandon the game due to his deafening panting at one point) and the Dirty Army (of one) were treated to a re-enactment of the famous Ruddock vs Cantona battle of the mid 90s in the form of Ruddock jr. vs Moraners - Moraners coming out on top with the unleashing of his trademark "WHAT?".


The second piece of news was more the confirmation of a persistent rumour. Matters, long suspected C.I.A. operative, finally revealed his true American side; twice showing us how Americans don't understand "soccer"; stepping into the area to give two penalties.


Moraners majestically pounded away the first penalty, but the second one was fired straight towards the testicular region. Marrers was happy to see the penalty scored rather than lose the gigantic bollocks of his debutant.


The Fajitas began to play the confident and commanding kind of football that has seen google flooded by requests for the Fajita kit, finding the Bayern keeper in surely the form of his life. Marrers has always said "education before football" to his squad, but when Bayern somehow scored a second goal past the fine Oweners, he was recorded as saying "it would hurt less if Derby actually provided education". Lectures had left the squad threadbare, Marrers turning to his former Farcelona team mate Northers to bolster the squad. It was clear at 2-0 that the Fajitas were beginning to tire (no puke on this occasion) but perhaps this was to be expected - the post-game stats show 200 Dirty shots to Bayern's 10.


Northers pounced on a defensive error late in the game to make the scoreline a tad less flattering to Bayern, but lady luck had long fucked off to the pub.


A first defeat for Dirty, but pundits' opinion is still clear. There is no way in this world that they won't piss this league. A great performance.


Goal count:

Tiers: 4
Kingy: 3
Owers: 2
Marrers: 1
Whitters: 1
Taggers: 1
Oweners: 1
Northers: 1

Man of the Match: A great performance overall, difficult to pick this one. However, the onlooking manager of Farcelona reckoned that Oweners was the best player, so it goes to him. Well played son.

Man of the Match count:

Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1 
Whitters: 1
Tiers: 1
Oweners: 1

Grading Game 3: Dirty Fajitas 3-4 Unknown Team

The Fajitas had it a bit easier on Friday but still somehow managed to lose. Whitters kindly volunteered to go in nets for the first half, and made some decent stops, but could do nothing when Marrers just stepped in the area to concede a penalty. Owers did power through at one point to smash home a really good goal, and a mix-up between the opposing defence and 'keeper lead to an own goal.

Taggers played in goals for the second half and also played a blinder. Whitters slammed home an impressive strike soon after a restart, but the other team somehow managed to get 4 goals, despite them being shit and a dirty improvement of discipline and shape. There was also some good shouting from Tiers and Matters, with some decent running from Tiers and Hobbers.

Things are getting there though...

Goal count:

Kingy: 3
Owers: 2
Tiers: 1
Marrers: 1
Whitters: 1

Man of the Match: Whitters. On a day when everyone was under par, Whitter's goalkeeping and finish shone above all.

Man of the Match count:

Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Man of the Year: Marrers. Biggest shaft ever.

Grading Game 2: Dirty Fajitas 2-8 The Perfect Game

The Fajitas came crashing back down to earth on Wednesday with a spanking at the hands of last season's Premier League competitors, The Perfect Game. An 8 man team got to the Willows (after a hearty Tesco Value meal lovingly prepared by Marrers) an hour early. This was because Marrers is getting old and didn't take his pills that day.

It became clear that things weren't going to be easy from the start when the Perfect Game demonstrated a cockload of skill immediately and when Whitters waltzed into our penalty area with his first touch of the ball, the Fajitas seemed doomed.

Marrers tried to make sure all 8 men got equal game time, which meant constant substituting - in the end, the shape that the Fajitas stuck to so rigidly in the last match was completely lost. However, with the score in the second half being 2-2, things look positive for the future. Especially as Owers, Kingy and Marrers stayed to help out a random team in the next game, displaying some of the form that have already made the Fajitas a force not to be laughed at with Kingy notching a screamer.

Goal count:

Kingy: 3
Tiers: 1
Marrers: 1
Owers: 1

Man of the Match: Kingy. Two great goals and another committed display.

Man of the Match count:

Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1

Squad Update 2

Squad for Wednesday's game:

Goals : Matters
Defence: Marrers, Owers, Taggers
Midfield: Tiers, Hobbers
Forward: Whitters, Kingy

But remember, we're all about the TOTAL FOOTBALL.

Meet up in the common room for a team meal featuring some half-arsed pasta if you're up for it!

The cost will either be 2.60 (if 8 turn up) or 2.90 (if 7 turn up)!