Week 9: Fishy Fajitas 2-6 Multiple Scoregasms

I'll be completely honest, I can't remember much and I can't be arsed anyway.

Goal count:

Oweners: 19

Tiers: 9

Whitters: 8Kingy: 8

Ashers: 4

Moraners: 3

Owers: 3

Taggers: 2

Marrers: 2
Northers: 1

Man of the match: Oweners. Ashers said so.

Person of the match count:

Oweners: 3

Fitty: 2

Taggers: 2

Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2

Marrers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Owers: 1

Moraners: 1

Week 9: Dirty Fajitas 5-1 Derby UDE Squad

This was a match where Moraners got 2 barn stormers and Owers managed to nip inside and neatly tuck a shot into the bottom left corner.

Is this a reflection of how shit the opposition are or how far we've come?

YOU decide.

Goal count:

Oweners: 19

Tiers: 9
Kingy: 8

Ashers: 4
Whitters: 6

Moraners: 3

Owers: 3

Taggers: 2

Marrers: 2
Northers: 1

 

Man of the match: Moraners. A vital contribution and a huge shaft.

 

Person of the match count:

Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2

Taggers: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2

Marrers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Owers: 1

Moraners: 1

Week 8: Fishy Fajitas 5-1 Red Stripe Belgrade

Tiers blasted a stunning brace as Fishy came from obscurity to thrash Red Stripe in Derby. Marrers' team are now on course to qualify for the Second Division next year, following a result that will send shockwaves through the international game.

 

Red Stripe had never lost one Student League game in their history - but suddenly they were torn apart by a Fishy team playing slick football with a clinical edge up front. Tiers will win the headlines, but there were heroes all over the pitch for the Fajitas - with captain Marrers and rejuvenated goalkeeper Owers in particularly fine form..

The win means Marrers' men are five points behind leaders Red Stripe in Division Three - but they have no games in hand and, crucially, their goal difference is now substantially not as inferior. A win against Multiple Scoregasms next Wednesday would take them nearer to the top of the group. Such a prospect looked plausible when Tiers fired the Fajitas in front within six minutes. England's young studs roared in menacing fashion to destroy Red Stripe's proud record. And the much-heralded Belgrade engine room was completely out-paced by Ashers' go-faster stripes, as Fishy moved closer to pole position in the race for the championship. 

It looked bleak for the visitors when Fishy took the lead, The defence allowing Tiers to steer home some Fishy play. But if Fishy's defenders looked nervous together, then the Red Stripe's seemed nothing short of petrified. The Belgrade goalkeeper looked more flappable than anyone else on a night riddled with errors across the pitch. After all the pre-match Belgrade criticism of Owers and the claims heralding their own 'keeper as the world's number one, the division leaders' keeper was left with egg on his face.

Only a few minutes were on the clock when the Belgrade 'keeper was caught horribly out of position from a teasing cross.
The English keeper flapped at thin air as Ashers cleverly cushioned a pass into the path of Tiers who coolly slotted into an unguarded net.

At the other end, though, Owers was silencing his critics with a brilliant one-handed save to turn away a low shot and keep it at 1-0. Belgrade were guilty of a glaring miss when their striker fluffed his shot when completely unmarked - and that proved to be just the second warning that Marrers' side needed.

Fishy punished the astonishing miss deep into first-half injury time when Ashers headed down the pitch to unleash an unstoppable drive beyond the keeper's despairing grasp. The half-time boost lifted Fishy's spirits, but few would have predicted the astonishing second-half blitz which was to follow.

Tiers gave England a vital two-goal cushion when he neatly tucked a shot inside the near post after Marrers had superbly snuffed out another Belgrade attack. Ashers was in deadly form and he did not have to wait long for his brace. Taggers sent him scampering clear with a superb through ball and the hungry striker ignored Oweners' call to blaze home a sensational shot into the top left-hand corner. On a night when some of Fishy's finest triumphs were remembered, the timing of Ashers' brace was pleasantly significant. Owener's moment did arrive, though, as the big striker put the seal on the win some minutes from time. Billers squared the ball into an empty Belgrade backline and Oweners held off a challenge to slot home and complete Wales' one-man contribution to the scoring.

 

The floodgates had long since been opened, but now the exit doors were thrown open too as Belgrade fans headed for home in their singles. The Fishy supporters stayed right where they were, pinching themselves and wondering whether it was all a dream.

Goal count:

Oweners: 16

Tiers: 9
Kingy: 8

Ashers: 4
Whitters: 4

Taggers: 2

Owers: 2

Marrers: 2
Moraners: 1
Northers: 1

Man of the match: Owers. Duh.
 

Person of the match count:

Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2

Taggers: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2

Marrers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Owers: 1

Week 8: Dirty Fajitas 3-2 The Originals

Over a month after being soundly beaten by The Originals away, Dirty were bristling with intent when the fat masters returned to the Willows in March 2011. The electricity which filled the Spring air wavered briefly when some fat prick tore up the script almost immediately, cleverly putting the Originals ahead after just a few seconds, but once ahead, the heffers quickly opted to sit back. Big mistake.


Dirty pummelled their bloated visitors, with Taggers calling the tune on his March Wembley debut. The summer arrival from Birmingham cleverly set up Tiers for an effort which the Original keeper did well to block, and then had a shag disallowed after he deflected Marrer's lustful glance from an offside position.



The crowd could sense that the Originals were on the ropes, and a growing buzz peaked into a thunderous roar when Tiers blasted Dirty level seven minutes before half-time. Taggers crossed from the left, and the England striker blasted through, past the keeper and between a host of backtracking Originals defenders. Back on level terms with the mighty MSB, a mental hurdle had been cleared.


After the interval the Dirty boys continued to call the tune, but without forcing as many chances. The rattled visitors upped their robust approach, with MSB a serial offender, but the gameplan backfired when he almost earned two yellow cards and an early bath.


It wasn’t long before Dirty took full advantage. Only four minutes later, no-one flicked a half-cleared corner back into the danger area. Oweners collected the ball, shielded away some hilarious attempts to clear, rounded on the ball and slotted into the delightful net. The roar that greeted Tiers’s goal suddenly seemed like a timid yelp in comparison to the baying din that now gripped Wembley.


Whereas the Originals sought to protect their advantage in the game’s infancy, Dirty aimed to take full advantage of having a stranglehold on the scoreline, and wrapped up the victory late in the second half through a stunning goal from Marrers.


Again Ashers was involved, sliding an inch-perfect pass infield from the left touchline. Marrers raced onto it and drilled a fierce shot into the keepers' far bottom corner.


Although some flabby shit pulled an injury-time goal back with a stunningly simple goal, Dirty held on to notch the victory that showed they could hold their own at Europe’s top table.

Goal count:

Oweners: 15
Kingy: 8
Tiers: 7
Whitters: 4

Taggers: 2

Owers: 2

Ashers: 2
Marrers: 2
Moraners: 1
Northers: 1

Man of the match: Marrers. Kingy said it. I can film him saying it if anyone dares doubt this.

Person of the match count:

Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2

Taggers: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2

Marrers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Week 7: Dirty Fajitas 2-4 Public Services (who only had 4 players)

Goal count:

Oweners: 14
Kingy: 8
Tiers: 6
Whitters: 4

Taggers: 2

Owers: 2

Ashers: 2
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Northers: 1

Week 7: Fishy Fajitas 3-3 FC Journos

As Marrers left his RA Palace this past Wednesday, there was a rumour that a random Fajita would be placed in front of the GAC firing squad to pay the ultimate price for defeat. It wasn't Crystal clear, however - and Admiral Marrers refused to give a Churchill-like insurance in his post-match interview.

FC Journos emerged from the local McDonalds just in time for kick-off and there could be no denying that the Fajitas were relishing the tie; the boys were hoping to cut the mustard this time round.

When Owers got tackled by the wall early on, however, the Selhurst rifles braced themselves for duty. Journos decided to employ the tried-and-tested foul the fuck out of the opposition tactic again, and Marrers was seen to thank the Lord Freedman Christ that Whitters had made way at the last minute for the Fajitas' top scorer Oweners.

It must be said that without Oweners, we would be burying a Fajita right now.

Goal count:

Oweners: 12
Kingy: 8
Tiers: 6
Whitters: 4

Taggers: 2

Owers: 2

Ashers: 2
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Northers: 1

Man of the match: Taggers, as chosen by current Talent Scout Kingy - never stopped running and bagged a fine equaliser.

Person of the match count:


Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2

Taggers: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Marrers: 1

Week 6: Dirty Fajitas 1-4 Bayern Neverlosin

This is what happens when you forget to play football against one of the worst teams you could ever wish to face.

Goal count:

Oweners: 10
Kingy: 8
Tiers: 6
Whitters: 4
Owers: 2
Ashers: 2
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Taggers: 1
Northers: 1


Man of the match: Marrers. Because I fucking feel like it.


Person of the match count:


Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Billers: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Taggers: 1
Marrers: 1

Week 5: Dirty Fajitas 8-2 Paul Ezikwa FC

Goal 1: "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes Yes Yes - YYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!! That... was a goal!"
Goal 2: "STRIKERRRRRRRRR!"
Goal 3: "Eat that!"
Goal 4: "AND ANOTHER!"
Goal 5: "He can stick it in - thank you and goodnight!"
Goal 6: "TWAT! That was liquid football!"
Goal 7: "SHIT! Did you see that???? He must have a foot like a traction engine!"
Goal 8: "The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding in this case, is a football. OOOFFF! Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt!"

Oweners somehow got 7 of these golden wonders, with a notch for Whitters.

Goal count:
Oweners: 10
Kingy: 8
Tiers: 6
Whitters: 3
Owers: 2
Ashers: 2
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Taggers: 1
Northers: 1

Man of the match: Oweners. Just nicked it from Jaz.

Person of the Match count:

Fitty: 2
Oweners: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Taggers: 1

Week 4: Fishy Fajitas 3-6 Multiple Scoregasms

This is a game in which the opposing team scored six goals to the Fajitas' three and the referee was fucking catwank. Oweners says he scored a belter, yet no-one can remember it.

Goal count:

Kingy: 8
Tiers: 6
Oweners: 3
Whitters: 2
Owers: 2
Ashers: 2
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Taggers: 1
Northers: 1

Man of the match: The roof ant came from the shadows to outclass us all again.

Person of the Match count:

Fitty: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 2
Roof Ant: 2
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Oweners: 1
Taggers: 1

Week 3: Fishy Fajitas 1-4 Red Stripe Belgrade

The evidence is mounting for the alleged conspiracy against the Fajitas; not only were they forced to play two consecutive games this Wednesday (and on numerous forthcoming occasions), they also had to contend with playing against a team fielding at least two ringers from the Premier League. It really does seem that there is some higher power out there who is willing to pull any stunt to try to halt the March of the Fajitas.


Fishy did not help their cause however, firstly with a shocking performance from Marrers in goal (the second goal in particular was cringe-worthy) and secondly their contribution to this year's Danny Baker Christmas DVD; making two substitutions at the exact same time, with Red Stripe on the attack. Needless to say, they scored with ease.


Even the introduction of the fresh-legged Matters could not facilitate a more realistic scoreline for the Fajitas however; once again the opposing 'keeper had a match-winning performance. Eventually Tiers pulled one back with a delightful low drive, but for now finishing remains Marrers' merry men's biggest headache.


Goal count:


Kingy: 5
Tiers: 5
Whitters: 2
Oweners: 2
Owers: 2
Ashers: 1
Marrers: 1
Moraners: 1
Taggers: 1
Northers: 1


Man of the match: Tiers. A goal and a truly passionate performance. Plus, he bought Marrers a pint later. But that has nothing to do with it.

Person of the Match count:

Fitty: 2
Tiers : 2
Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Oweners: 1
Roof Ant: 1
Taggers: 1 

Week 3: Dirty Fajitas 0-3 The Originals

At the press conference recently to confirm that "it's good to have some colour in the team", the run of recent results came up. "Please don't tell me you lost to a team fat pricks!" queried Billers. Marrers only replied with "yes, we lost. Yes they were large. As for the 'pricks' part - there was an M.S.B. present".

This is the second time in as many games the Fajitas have had to deal with an M.S.B., and Whitters did so by almost making him cry with a simply beautiful, meaty challenge near the half way line. It was so beautiful infact that M.S.B. did not bother making any kind of violent comeback (otherwise known as "just desserts") for the remainder of the game.

Dirty were presented with a tactic they'd never faced before - 3 brick shithouses of a defence with one goal hanger. Upon losing the early goal (again), the Originals' goal was absolutely peppered. Absolutely peppered. To the point where several Dirty boys appeared sweatier than a Wednesday night Sarry's kebab. On several occasions, Tiers ended up sandwiched between two Originals.

All this talk of food must have spurred the opponents on, because somehow they ran out 3-0 winners; despite some of the best Fajiting football ever seen!

This match report is a little short because Marrers' very sexy and extremely kinky secretary was still in the crèche for the game.

Man of the match: Taggers. An anonymous Fajita nominated him, so that's how it goes as Marrers is losing his memory in his old age.

Person of the Match count:

Fitty: 2
Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1
Tiers : 1
Oweners: 1
Roof Ant: 1
Taggers: 1 

Week 2: Fishy Fajitas 3-4 FC Journos

A team with large people in and one guy who liked to foul but cried when he stubbed his toe. Tiers called him a pussy. The Fajitas laughed. They later got angry with each other as inexplicably they pushed for more goals, despite being 2-1 up at half time, leaving the defence helpless. Surely the easy ball would have been the better option. With the added fact that their keeper was possibly the worst the Fajitas could ever wish to face, this was a very embarrassing defeat indeed. Oh, also - Kingy gave away a penalty. One for the statisticians.

Kingy: 5

Tiers: 4

Owers: 2

Ashers: 1

Marrers: 1

Whitters: 1

Taggers: 1

Oweners: 1

Northers: 1

Man of the Match: There was an ant in the roof somewhere that played better than the whole team combined.

Man of the Match count:

Kingy: 1

Ashers: 1 

Whitters: 1

Tiers: 1

Oweners: 1

Roof Ant: 1

Week 1: Fishy Fajitas 6-2 Kersal Massive

Things did not look good for Fishy's first game when referee Dave realised the true pronunciation of "Fajitas", looking and sounded quite pissed off. Additionally, Kersal Massive played quite a sneaky move when it became apparent they could suddenly meet the massive wage demands of a La Liga star, in this case; Ronaldo.


Fishy made an extremely shaky start when Kersal were allowed some truly massive possession for the first five minutes. However, Fishy have quickly gained a reputation for entertaining football (despite not playing a game) and already have 3 fans; this was to increase by 33.3% by the end as Ronaldo's girlfriend realised how much of  a childish penis he was being. The Fishy heckly seemed to spur the Fajitas on, and things soon changed.


It took the introduction of debutant Oweners to break the deadlock, despite plenty of Fishy chances - Oweners taking the ball and introducing it to the bottom corner. This was to prove too much for the young upstart, as reports indicate he was throwing up in the dressing room later on.


Kingy took the Fajitas to half time with a clean sheet and aimed to make an impact in the outfield. This was achieved when he took out Ronaldo with a challenge that many deemed fair, and most deemed funny. However the ref took exception and threatened the Fajitas' top scorer with punishment. Punishment or none, Tiers worked his new haircut off to take the goal scoring pressure off Kingy (should he be sent off), weighing in with the first Fishy hat-trick, including a screamer from distance and a well-finished beautiful one-two with Ashers - contributing 4 assists himself.


Even though Kersal had Ronaldo, the result never looked in doubt as Fishy showed a good understanding of each other - even towards the end, when the defence totally evaporated, the opposing threat was minimal. Indeed, Marrers only conceded the first goal because of a double injury to his left bollock and right bollock (thanks for that Owers).


Even Taggers managed to nab one on top of the hilarious own goal from the usually brilliant Ronaldo - this made up for his penalty miss somewhat. It should be noted that it can NEVER be completely forgiven though! This tragic performance from Portugal's top man perfectly justifies him storming off at the end of the game, calling the Fishy army "fucking pricks" and accusing Marrers of thinking "he's fucking Vidic".


Although to be fair, he did used to play with him.


Goal count:


Tiers: 4
Kingy: 3
Owers: 2
Marrers: 1
Whitters: 1
Taggers: 1
Oweners: 1

Man of the Match: Tiers. It was only a week ago that Tiers couldn't even make warm up without nearly collapsing. Look at him now.

Man of the Match count:

Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1 
Whitters: 1
Tiers: 1

Grading Game 3: Dirty Fajitas 3-4 Unknown Team

The Fajitas had it a bit easier on Friday but still somehow managed to lose. Whitters kindly volunteered to go in nets for the first half, and made some decent stops, but could do nothing when Marrers just stepped in the area to concede a penalty. Owers did power through at one point to smash home a really good goal, and a mix-up between the opposing defence and 'keeper lead to an own goal.

Taggers played in goals for the second half and also played a blinder. Whitters slammed home an impressive strike soon after a restart, but the other team somehow managed to get 4 goals, despite them being shit and a dirty improvement of discipline and shape. There was also some good shouting from Tiers and Matters, with some decent running from Tiers and Hobbers.

Things are getting there though...

Goal count:

Kingy: 3
Owers: 2
Tiers: 1
Marrers: 1
Whitters: 1

Man of the Match: Whitters. On a day when everyone was under par, Whitter's goalkeeping and finish shone above all.

Man of the Match count:

Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1
Whitters: 1

Man of the Year: Marrers. Biggest shaft ever.

Grading Game 2: Dirty Fajitas 2-8 The Perfect Game

The Fajitas came crashing back down to earth on Wednesday with a spanking at the hands of last season's Premier League competitors, The Perfect Game. An 8 man team got to the Willows (after a hearty Tesco Value meal lovingly prepared by Marrers) an hour early. This was because Marrers is getting old and didn't take his pills that day.

It became clear that things weren't going to be easy from the start when the Perfect Game demonstrated a cockload of skill immediately and when Whitters waltzed into our penalty area with his first touch of the ball, the Fajitas seemed doomed.

Marrers tried to make sure all 8 men got equal game time, which meant constant substituting - in the end, the shape that the Fajitas stuck to so rigidly in the last match was completely lost. However, with the score in the second half being 2-2, things look positive for the future. Especially as Owers, Kingy and Marrers stayed to help out a random team in the next game, displaying some of the form that have already made the Fajitas a force not to be laughed at with Kingy notching a screamer.

Goal count:

Kingy: 3
Tiers: 1
Marrers: 1
Owers: 1

Man of the Match: Kingy. Two great goals and another committed display.

Man of the Match count:

Kingy: 1
Ashers: 1

Squad Update 2

Squad for Wednesday's game:

Goals : Matters
Defence: Marrers, Owers, Taggers
Midfield: Tiers, Hobbers
Forward: Whitters, Kingy

But remember, we're all about the TOTAL FOOTBALL.

Meet up in the common room for a team meal featuring some half-arsed pasta if you're up for it!

The cost will either be 2.60 (if 8 turn up) or 2.90 (if 7 turn up)!